


Don't Tie the Blue Scarf, it Fades Easily

by hystericalselcouth



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, marau
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, but what the hell, idk what im doing, imagine a world where peter hates himself instead of everyone else, its bitter and its morose and its just sad, its probably not canon compliant either, this is it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:08:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23789080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hystericalselcouth/pseuds/hystericalselcouth
Summary: In which Peter Pettigrew learns to hate himself in order to not hate the world. His friends help him out a bit, but they let him do most of the healing.[A world where Peter doesn't betray the Potters because years earlier, the other three Marauders show him that their friendship is different, and that it is worth saving.]TRIGGER WARNING: This fic deals heavily with themes of depression, disordered eating and self harm. Do stay away if you know these themes to be triggering for you.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, one sided peter/sirius
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25





	1. It's the Third of the Month, Mother

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the Turkish folk song 'Aglama Yar'.
> 
> Trigger Warning: for violence, domestic abuse, disordered eating.
> 
> \- - - - - -   
> I'm back with some depressing shit. Here's me projecting on to a character I think I'm like because I legit cant relate to "protagonist" characters lol. Wrote this because I couldn't find any good Peter-centric fics. I always imagined that if people showed just a little more faith in Peter, things wouldn't have ended as they did. (I don't think there was ever a need for McGonagall to hate Peter so much for just being ...average and mediocre as a child. I really don't think Peter was a bumbling idiot - there has to be far more to him that we just weren't made to see. Well, thank God for fanfiction.) [This is some kind of modern/timeless AU. Idk. Just bear with me please.] Also, please forgive the spelling and grammatical errors - I wrote this in a civil procedure class, show some empathy please.

Hogwarts was, in a way, a kind of fantasy. He often takes it for granted through the school year, but when he finds himself at the Platform each September, Peter vows to be more appreciative. There are, of course, things that distract him from keeping his promise, like the pair of tall boys waving at him from a carriage door of the waiting Hogwarts Express.

Remus helps lift his trunk up to the train.

"How was break?"

"Meh, the usual. Seats?"

"Fourth one down," Sirius barked, wearily eyeing a few 1st years who were huddled around their parents.

Tugging lightly, Peter made his way to the seats where his friends had dumped their luggage. James's things were missing, but he didn't worry about it too much. James usually turned up only when the train threatened to leave. Until last year, Peter used to secretly panic every time the first whistle blew without a sign of the bespectacled boy, but sometime in early February he found that it had become easier to let small things of that nature go without having his heart thud for hours on end. He didn't particularly mind this change. Perhaps, he thought, for the first time, he was changing for the better.

It wasn't long before Sirius and Remus returned, their lanky frames squeezing past their fellow 5th years. They had grown over the holidays - they had grown taller and leaner, though Sirius was a little worse for wear. He spotted a few purple patches standing out against uncannily pale skin, peeking from under his shirt collar. Peter inhaled a little sharply and forced himself to look out the window as he settled himself a corner. He smiled a little sardonically - this is why it was easy to forget that Hogwarts is safe haven.

It wasn't as though he was jealous. He hated how broken Sirius's home was - he couldn't even imagine how he made it through the summer break. He hated it for Sirius, he truly did. But there was something bitter and evil that curled when he saw Sirius bruised and broken at the beginning of each term. He hated how apparent the abuse was at Grimmauld Place. It was bad because there was screaming and shouting and things thrown. It was bad because Sirius would start Autumn with dark circles under his eyes and hollowed cheeks, and everyone would look at him with a little bit of sad sympathy.

It was a horrible thing to be jealous of, but Peter yearned for it. He remembers when he used to be hit - he remembers his father kicking him under the sink in the bathroom, tough heel meeting his chest and his forehead scraping against the screws and plumbing. But, it was so long ago that he doesn't remember much apart from the inability to breathe through quiet sobs. His father stopped hitting him after his second year back from Hogwarts. His father stopped hitting his mother a year later. Now, apart from the occasional brawl in the mornings, his house sees nothing but silence. His parents lock themselves away in different rooms of their small apartment, and Peter is usually left to his own devices. It was almost as if they all pretended no one else existed. Yet, this emptiness somehow hurt more than when his father hurt him, and the crushing weight on his chest was worse than when his mother would emerge from his father's room, with split lips and bleeding cheeks.

"James?" Remus asked, trying to cram their luggage under the train seats.

"Not here- oh, there he is." Peter saw James push his parents away, dashing towards the train.

As if on cue, a wailing whistle blew and the train began to rumble. James slammed the door open and spread himself out next to Peter, his luggage floating in behind him.

Without a pause, James launched into an excited explanation of where Lily and her friends were sitting, and how he would pay them a wholly friendly visit within the next two hours. Marlene, he said, had helped him chalk it out, and it was going to be a complete success.

"And what will you succeed in, exactly?" Remus interrupted.

"She'll remember my name now!"

Peter chuckled.

By the time the Honeydukes Trolley came around, James had once again left their compartment, presumably to go terrorize a few first years. Across him, Sirius had brought out a pack of Exploding Snap and cajoled Remus into joining him. As they tucked into a few chocolate frogs, Peter noted how long Sirius's fingers were and how unnaturally thin his wrist was, almost fragile. Unconsciously, Peter pinched his forearms, pressing the skin and flesh that pulled away from bone between his fingers. He looked carefully at Remus, and saw how his face had grown a little longer and that his jaw toughened into a sharp square. A few veins pulsed at his forehead and neck. Peter's heart fell a little.

He pulled at parts of his chocolate frog, making a fuss of breaking it into multiple pieces. He felt some twisted victory, nibbling at it slowly.

"Just eat the god damn thing, will you?" Sirius called, "Ergh, you make it painful to watch."

"Erm, excuse me - eat it how you like. Don't be a prat, Sirius!" Remus retorted, practically throwing a playing card at Sirius, which burst into a sphere of sparks above the latter's head.

As he tried to read a borrowed copy of the _Book of Potions_ , he watched Remus win the match and Sirius mope and whine till he exhausted himself. It didn't take long for the chocolate to settle, and although he hadn't had much, he found himself drowsy. The journey to Hogwarts was a sort of weird altered reality - it wasn’t the alien walls of his home, nor did it bring the new comfort that Hogwarts provided. At least, he thought, for the duration of this journey he didn't have to do anything or put on yet another pretense. For now, he could just sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

listen, guys, this story is supposed to be about hope but lol how many of us really have that rn? indefinite hiatus because OP can't get her shit together lol


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